Word Count: 2450
Summary: Handsome heroes beloved of fan girls everywhere are being grabbed. Now the Winchesters find themselves trapped with members of SGA-1, Eliot Spencer and Alec Hardison, as well as two very surprised actors. What do the fan girls want from them? And why is Dr Rodney McKay whimpering in a corner?
Disclaimer: With a heavy heart (and a great deal of relief for Dean and the other gorgeous men in this fic) I have to say I do not own Supernatural, Stargate Atlantis or Leverage, nor am I making any profit from this. I just hope I make a few fan girls happy with this demented little scribble.
Warnings: None, just gratuitous whumping of poor unfortunate gorgeous men.
Notes: Let’s start with the usual thanks and groveling to my wonderful Beta bigj52, the statue is being sculpted as I write. This little demented scribbling came about as a continuation of what has become my Fan Girl Verse. It all started with Damn Hurt/Comfort Writers, continued with A Brief Encounter Of The H/C Kind. There have been various other stories which only saw the light of day on my journal, including this one. I decided to tidy it up and repost it. There is another reason for doing this; if any of you ladies are interested here is my H/C bingo card. I’m happy to write fics based in this verse, just let me know which one takes your fancy!
The group of heavily armed men sat behind their makeshift barricade and stared nervously at the reinforced steel door, as it shook under a determined attack with each blow louder than the last.
“I hate to say this, but that door ain’t gonna hold much longer. Can someone please tell me what the hell’s got the fan girls so damn riled up? I mean they’re bad enough at the best of times, but this is something else. You got any ideas, Hardison?” Eliot Spencer said as he wiped blood from his face, and then tied his hair into a ponytail.
Alec was sitting beside Eliot staring at his tablet, scrolling rapidly through the screen with a look of concentration on his face. “Listen, Eliot, I’m gonna give you the same answer I gave you five minutes ago. I ain’t got a clue, but judging by what I’m reading it’s bad, real bad.” Alec returned to his search, his frown deepening with every new piece of information. He turned to the man beside him. “You got anything, Rodney? ‘Cause I think we’re running out of time here.” He flinched as the pounding on the door grew louder.
Rodney McKay was hunched over, working frantically on his own tablet. “I’ve never seen the fan girls so organised, they’re even hunting in packs now. It’s like a Wraith cull only much more targeted. I’m getting reports of people being snatched from all over the planet.” Rodney’s voice was becoming shrill with panic.
John Sheppard looked over his shoulder at the scientist, his expression grim. “Come on, Rodney, you need to figure this out before the door gives. We all saw what happened to SG1 out there.” He turned back to the door, ignoring Rodney and Alec’s whimper of fear.
Ronon snorted derisively. “At least SG-1 went down fighting, instead of hiding like cowards. Their last stand was magnificent. I was really impressed when Carter took down those two sparkly assed Twilight wannabes.” Ronon looked at the puzzled expressions on the others’ faces. “Well, that’s what Dean called them.” He heard a laugh from the other end of the barricade, as Dean winked and give him the thumbs up.
Rodney stopped working and looked up. “Heroic, right. I’m pretty sure I wasn’t the only one who heard Teal's crying like a girl, when they finally grabbed them. Need I remind all of you, what a group of fan girls, especially Hurt/Comfort writing fan girls are capable of? We all know how much they like handsome, maverick, broken heroes and their friends, don’t we?” he said waspishly, wagging a finger like a school teacher, glaring at his commanding officer and the Specialist, as if he held them personally responsible for being irresistible to the Fan Girls.
Ronon scowled, and moved closer to his leader; he knew exactly what the ‘ladies’ were capable of. Sheppard still bore the scars from his previous encounters with them. John looked over at Dean with an air of exasperation. “See, I told you how protective these two are. I never got a chance earlier. How’s the shoulder these days?” John asked Dean, and tried not to blush when the hunter shot him a heated look. John ignored Sam as he rolled his eyes, and Ronon growled possessively.
Alec looked up from his tablet and grimaced in sympathy at John. “What? You and Dean were guests of the ladies? Hhhmmm, crossover hurt/comfort. Been there, washed the bloodstains off the T-shirt. It’s a story I’d like to hear one day over a soda, when we’re not facing certain.... not death, but certain whumpage. Like I told Sam and Dean the last time we met like this, Eliot is not a good patient. I’d rather comfort a grizzly bear with a broken leg.” Alec went back to his tablet, ignoring the others’ laughter and Eliot’s frustrated ‘damnit Hardison’.
Ronon tensed as the door creaked ominously. “The door won’t take much more. Hunter, are you sure you will be able to fight?” He looked at Dean, who was pale-faced and sweating as he rested against the wall.
Dean smirked lopsidedly at the stony faced warrior. “I’m fine. Just a sprained ankle and a few bruises. Just another day at the office.” Dean closed his eyes and swallowed, as a wave of dizziness washed over him.
Sam sighed and shook his head “Yeah, you’re totally fine, and that sprained ankle of yours, is actually a broken one. Courtesy of the bear trap the fan girls left for us at the haunting we were looking into.” He looked at the other men and raged at the universe. “I mean, for god’s sake, who puts a bear trap in a basement? Damn hurt/comfort fan girls, that’s who.” He pinched the bridge of his nose and took a calming breath, as he felt a hand squeeze his shoulder in sympathy.
Sam looked at his brother again. “Do you want me to mention the head injury again?” He nodded at the bandage tinged with red, wrapped round his brother’s head. “By the way, guys, thanks for helping me get Dean out of there,” he said gratefully to John, Ronon and Rodney.
Sam had managed to prise Dean free of the bear trap and was dragging his heavy ass out of the building, when they’d run into the three men. Sam remembered them from the time the fan girls had snatched Dean, and he’d been held captive with John. Without a word Ronon grabbed his protesting brother, slung him over his shoulder and they’d ran from the Wraith hunting party pursuing them.
After they’d lost the Wraith and were resting in an alleyway, John had taken one look at Dean, and broke out the first-aid kit. As John patched Dean up, Sam heard the colonel say, “I’ve got some Tylenol with me. I know it won’t be as much fun as the painkiller we used last time. But it’s gonna have to do for now.” He had no idea what John was talking about, but judging by the look on Dean’s face it made perfect sense to him.
Sam said nothing, the brothers had a rule. What happened while they were in the fan girls’ hands stayed there. Sam had a few interesting stories of his own in that department, including the time he’d spent with Ronon as they’d searched for Dean and John.
Sam was brought back into the present by the sound of his brother’s voice. “I keep telling you I’m fine, although you might be right about the concussion. I keep seeing two of you, but the one of you on the right is wearing a beanie.” Dean said as he squinted in Sam’s direction.
Sam sighed and ran his fingers through his hair in frustration. “That’s not funny, Dean. We both know you’re not concussed. And stop making out that Jared is a product of your head injury. He and Jensen are in the same boat as us.”
Dean shrugged. “Ah come on, it’s a little funny. I’m sure Jared finds it funny. Don’t you, dude?” Dean addressed the man beside his brother.
Jared sat forward, grinned and his dimples appeared. “It’s kinda funny, but I’m pretty sure Jensen’s not seeing the funny side right about now. I thought the fan girls only had a thing for dislocating Dean’s shoulder. I didn’t realize they’d branch out and do it to Jensen as well.” Jared looked at his friend with concern. “How are you, by the way?”
There was a groan from beside Dean. “Damnit, Jay. How many times have I got to tell you about reading fan fiction?” Jensen said with a wry smile as he sat forward. “I’m Just friggin’ peachy. One minute we’re on our way home from filming, and the next there’s a flash of light and we’re in the middle of a war zone.” Jensen winced and glared at Ronon. “I was doing fine, right up until Conan over there tackled me into the wall. All I did was land on him.” Jensen smirked at Ronon.
“In my defence, I thought you were a skanky assed Shape Shifter.” Ronon rumbled in response.
Jensen raised a hand. “Let me guess. It’s what Dean called us. Right?” he asked in a weary voice.
“He might’ve, and I wasn’t too sure about you myself. What with the way Jared was blundering around like a wounded Snaraghan,” Ronon said with a shrug of his shoulder, and a slight smile tugging at the corner of his mouth.
“Great! First we get mistaken for monsters from the show, and now you’ve called me a wounded what?” Jared asked.
“The closest thing to a Snaraghan on earth is a moose,” John answered, trying to hide a smile as Jared frowned, and Sam huffed in annoyance.
“Oh man, that’s priceless. Even aliens think you’re a moose. You wait till I tell Misha. It will be all over Twitter in a heartbeat.” Jensen laughed, his shoulders shaking and then hissed as his injured shoulder reminded him to stay still. He looked over at Eliot. “I should thank you for popping my shoulder back, but I wouldn’t have said no to some painkillers first.” Jensen nodded gratefully in Eliot’s direction.
Eliot gave Jensen a smile. “No problem. But when I was putting your shoulder back, who the fuck was this Kane dude you kept going on about? And what did he do last Christmas that was so bad, you threatened to tell a guy called Steve all about it?” Eliot asked, Jensen blushed and Jared muttered something unintelligible under his breath.
Alec looked at the two hunters. “Ok, let me get this right. Jared and Jensen play the two of you on a TV show?” Sam and Dean nodded.
“Yeah, and surprisingly they’re actually not douche bags, and Jensen is one handsome son of a bitch.” Dean said with a smile.
“Why thank you for that glowing recommendation, Dean. I always thought Sam got the looks in the family in any case.” Jared replied with a wink, and Dean and Jensen scowled at him
Alec tilted his head to one side. “I get the feeling that this Kane dude looks a lot like Eliot?” Alec enquired, looking pensive when Jensen nodded in agreement. “I suppose there’s a devastatingly attractive version of me out there too?” Jared nodded this time, and Alec hummed softly and went back to his tablet.
“Suddenly this is starting to make sense, and I hate to say it’s getting worse. I’m getting reports now that David Tennant and Matt Smith have been snatched. Is nothing sacred to these women?” Alec shook his head sadly.
Eliot rolled his eyes in frustration. “Damnit, Hardison. You got any ideas what’s happening or not?”
Alec passed his tablet to McKay, the scientist blanched and looked horrified. “Oh my god, we’re all screwed. Do you know what time of year it is? It explains why we’re all together.” Rodney wrung his hands in terror, and then flapped his hands at Dean and Jensen. “Look at Dean and Jensen. The fan girls have started on them already.”
John sighed, put down his P90 and grabbed the tablet from McKay. He read what was on the screen, looked up in horror and passed it along to Ronon. Ronon read it and his only reaction was to clench his jaw, and hover protectively over his commanding officer.
The assault on the door grew louder, and John Sheppard got to his feet ready to make a last stand. His stomach churned with the knowledge it was futile, but determined to do his best to delay the inevitable. “Gentlemen, if we’re going down, I’m going down fighting. Who’s with me?” Ronon stood and joined him with a smile on his face, happy that at last he was going face battle. Eliot stood alongside them ready to cause a little mayhem.
Dean was struggling to stand, and was finally helped to his feet by Jensen. The two men leant against each other for support, with Sam standing beside his brother on one side, and Jared stood by Jensen on the other. The four of them were ready to go down swinging.
As they waited for the door to finally give way, Sam watched the members of SGA-1 closely. “We’re not gonna like what’s about to happen, are we?” he asked resignedly as the door finally gave. Sam’s concentration was drawn back to the open doorway, ready to face the oncoming threat.
Sam and Dean raised their weapons ready to fight, and then realized they were the only ones. “Hey, fellas. Isn’t this were we make our glorious final stand and all that shit?” Dean asked looking at John in confusion.
John had been quickly reassessing their situation, and with a heavy heart he’d lowered his gun, deciding that at this time, discretion really was the better part of not getting the crap kicked out of you....for now.
“I hate to be all Borg about this, but resistance is futile. I just hope Beckett packed us enough medical supplies. We’re going to need them,” sighed Rodney, from where he was still hiding behind the barricade.
As Rodney spoke the room was filing up. The men found themselves facing Wraiths, vampires, demons and what appeared to be heavily armed mercenaries. But the most terrifying sight of all was the group of women who followed them in.
The women were dressed in black, and wore ski masks to hide their faces. A couple of them were holding pieces of paper, and one woman was talking excitedly. “I tell you, I’m going to do it this year if it kills me. I love the Hurt/Comfort Bingo challenge.”
One of the other fan girls patted her on the shoulder. “That’s the spirit. Now let’s see what you’ve got.....hmmmm mutation. Didn’t you say you’d love to see Dean or Jensen with wings? Now’s your chance.” The two women fist bumped.
Sam felt the gun slip from his fingers as he realized what was happening, and he clutched his big brother’s sleeve in terror. Dean stood grim faced projecting his, anybody touches my little brother and they die vibe.
Sam looked over at Jared and noticed he was trying to get in front of Jensen, to protect him from the hungry stares of the women. But Jensen was having none of it; he elbowed Jared in the ribs, and placed himself firmly in front of his ‘moose,’ a picture of resolve.
The fan girls looked at the terrified men and rubbed their hands together gleefully. One of the Dean Girls smiled, “That’s the spirit, boys. We promise this won’t hurt....much.”