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03 April 2010 @ 09:45 pm
Empty Hand and Empty Heart.  


Title: Empty Hand and Empty Heart.
Word count: 1500.
Summary: Jensen ponders the loss of Dean’s ring and bracelet, and exactly what they mean to him.
Pairing: J2
Rating: R
Notes: This came about after the LA Con when we heard the ring and bracelet were lost to us.  I wanted to mourn their passing from a J2 point of view.   This was beta’d by the awesome[info]garvaldmains , who I consider a co-author here as she made this little stream of consciousness into something I’m ever so slightly happy with.
Disclaimer:  These gorgeous men are not mine sad to say, and this is a complete work of fiction. But it doesn’t stop us dreaming about what could be


As I stand looking in the mirror, I see Dean Winchester starring back at me. His clothes are torn, his face is make-up bruised and bloody and his body is battered. I feel just as bruised and battered as he looks but my injuries are hidden from the world.  In the mirror I see the thumb of my right hand it’s - rubbing at the ring finger of that hand.  

 My hand and wrist are empty now no bracelet or ring, for Dean in character, my heart echoes the emptiness.

It’s the first day of filming season six and Dean has been through hell again.  We're picking up right from where the screen faded to black with him being attacked by a pack of Hell Hounds and Sam screaming for his brother. Sam. Jared.  I can do this; I can face Jared my little brother.  I can smile and share a joke with him all the while I'm aware of my empty hand and my broken heart.

I remember how I gave up my hand and heart to Jared.  I'm not gay.  Really I'm not, well apart from being gay for Jared Padalecki.  It had started with fooling around on set in season one, seeing what we could get away with, such as me leaping into his arms for the blooper reel.  But what no one else knew was the touches carried on after the cameras stopped, and each time he touched me I fell deeper and deeper until there was nowhere else to fall.

I kept telling myself we were just friends with benefits but my hand and my heart told me otherwise.  Jared brought the Skull bracelet in for Dean laughing at how he found it; it had been in a surf shop in Vancouver of all places.   He said it was perfect for Dean.  Copies were made, but I kept the original, on day one of filming, by accidently forgetting to take it off.  Then there was the ring, Dean’s silver ring, Jared stole it during season two and had one word engraved in it...Always.  Jared meant it in friendship; I know to this day I meant it in love.  I never took the ring off - keeping our secret safe, feeling the warmth of what we had wrapped around me, but still with that nagging, insistent worry as I waited for that special someone to appear and spirit Jared away from me.

Then she arrived.  I should've have hated her but,  let’s be honest, I loved her because she made Jared happy, and still my heart was full because for a while Jared continued to be there, with his smiles his touches, the whispered "God Jensen what you do to me man I love it."  The snatched moments, the tangled heated kisses, and the sex, oh god the sex.   I know that for Jared it was just a way to release the tension; for me it just entangled me further, and I knew I was going to get burned. The sad truth was that I could no more pull away from him, than Dean could from his Sam.

Then it came, the realisation of all my fears, Jared's happy smiling face telling me he'd found ‘the one’ and he was getting engaged.  Suddenly the ring became a weight too great to bear and I couldn't go on seeing the proof of my heart upon my hand.  I went to the writers telling a tiny lie, I said that Dean's ring had started to cut me, they thought I meant my hand, I knew I meant my heart. Each time my thumb brushed against the ring, the word ‘always’ branding my finger, it cut deeper and deeper still.  So I suggested it was lost with the bracelet that Dean always wore.

 I went to tell Jared that the ring and bracelet would be disappearing.  As we didn't know if we were being renewed, he'd innocently asked me for them as a memento of his big brother. How could I deny that smile, that request? So for the last time I had taken them off and placed them in his hand, and then closed his fingers over them with a whispered "Take care of em  J."  I walked away my hand... and my heart empty.  That had been during episode eight of season five and to this day the emptiness on my hand is echoed in my heart.

I carried on filming getting used to the empty feeling, it only intensified at the wedding but I just smiled, all the time feeling the phantom rub of the ring on my finger.

Then there was the damn LA convention, and the question I’d been dreading: where were the ring and bracelet?  I dutifully trotted out the same lie I had used with the writing team and with Jared... the fans seemed happy enough to believe.  Some just said it was shame the loss wasn’t mourned, pointing out that the ring was as much a part of Dean as his jacket; hell he’d even been buried in the ring and bracelet.   

I made it to the end of the day and while my co-stars partied I begged off with a headache.  I sat in my room, and still I carried the ghostly weight of that ring, emptiness in my heart where there used to be Jared. 

After we finished the season, I threw myself into conventions and other work during the summer, I even tried to wear other jewellery and date other people, but nothing helped. 

So here I stand, start of season six looking, at Dean, channelling his despair as easily as breathing, and preparing to go back to work. There is a knock on my trailer door and Jared just steps in.  He is still as gorgeous as ever, his smile could put the sun to shame, yet his smile is swift and disappears, seems apprehensive, I don’t know why.  

“Hey Jen I’d say you look good, but man, they’ve made you look like crap.”  Jared comments wryly.  I nod in agreement, he doesn’t need to know that I haven’t slept properly the last two nights; my gut has been knotted up at the prospect of seeing him again.  Of what I would say. 

”Hell Hounds, what can you do.”  I say in return as Jared can’t quite meet my eyes, instead looks at the floor, and then he looks up at me. 

The look in his eyes nails me to the spot, it is intense and yearning and he seem to struggle for words, which is unusual for Jared.  At first he is hesitant, and then the words spill out faster and faster...only fragments of what he is saying stick in my mind.


“Gen and I ...it’s like we are brother and sister ...we tried ...maybe I’m on the rebound ...I wish we could’ve made it work ...Jensen I need you, I love you.” 

I heard that last part loud and clear and stare in wonder at him and he speaks again, softer this time.  “We didn’t make it Jensen; it was never going to work. I need you. I want YOU.  I promise if you said yes, you wouldn’t be whatever the hell a male mistress is ...Gen is going back to LA. It’s over.  Please man, just please.” 

Jared closes the distance between us; I see he’s afraid to touch me.  Knowing him as the professional he is, he is probably worried about messing up ‘Dean’s’ look, but there is fear also.  Then he touches me, and I realise we don’t need words.  It’s electric.  I step into his arms and he kisses me with a careful tenderness.  I realized then there is something in his hand, and then I understand as a familiar weight is put on my finger. 

“What the hell are we going to tell the fan girls?” I ask relishing the feel of that silver band.  

“I’ve spoken to the writers,” Jared starts, as he fastens the skull bracelet to my wrist, “they’re gonna say Gabriel took the ring and bracelet in episode eight, and now in his final act he’s going to heal Dean and return what he’s stolen. I want you to wear it again.  Please Jen.” 

With that I find myself wrapped tight in his arms and I don’t want to fight anymore.  I don’t know or care what the future will bring, not as this moment. I don’t imagine how long we will be together.  It could end tomorrow, or run for a life time. 

All I know is that now, at this time, with Jared holding me tight, my hand and my heart are no longer empty.




Tags: ,
Current Location: home
Current Mood: accomplishedaccomplished
Current Music: Fellowship of the ring
Rocit63rocit63 on April 4th, 2010 12:14 am (UTC)
I loved this! Thank you!
sasha_dragonsasha_dragon on April 5th, 2010 06:49 pm (UTC)
Thanks glad you liked.
deans_cookie on April 4th, 2010 12:56 am (UTC)
♥♥ I absolutely freaking LOVE this! If only it would prove to be true!

Thank you for posting!
sasha_dragonsasha_dragon on April 5th, 2010 06:53 pm (UTC)
*Blushes* thank you, we can but dream that it was true.
chipunk71chipunk71 on April 4th, 2010 01:35 am (UTC)
Oh wow...thank you for posting this little piece of *happy!*
It was so exactly and completely the good medicine I needed right at the moment i read it. my only complaint- i wish it had been longer! Just awesome, lovely delicious angst, and the happy ending was most satisfying, especially after the last ep- i think we all needed a happy ending place! i think what you did with timeline and cannon and plot was most clever, you made it totally work for me in every way. Thanks again, i just can't gush enough, you rock!
sasha_dragonsasha_dragon on April 5th, 2010 06:57 pm (UTC)
OOhh, so you liked it then? I'm just so pleased it worked. This arrived like that as I sat at my desk at work, and yes after Jensen tore my heart out and stomped over it this week I needed a little bit of happy. I fear that thing may only get worse this week in the set up for the 100th! I swear those two will kill me.
     Mandy: Finally the Huga_phoenixdragon on April 4th, 2010 01:51 am (UTC)
GODS, yes!!


Thank you...
sasha_dragonsasha_dragon on April 5th, 2010 06:58 pm (UTC)
Please you liked it,

*hands over tissues*

Thanks for the comment.
(no subject) - dairwendan on April 4th, 2010 05:33 am (UTC) (Expand)
sasha_dragonsasha_dragon on April 5th, 2010 06:59 pm (UTC)
Thanks for the comment, I'm happy the ending worked so well.
trailer_queen: J2 Forevertrailer_queen on April 4th, 2010 07:14 am (UTC)
Awesome story. What reason did they give at the con for the loss of the ring/bracelet?
awakencordyawakencordy on April 4th, 2010 06:46 pm (UTC)
I second this, I didn't know that they were lost to us :(
sasha_dragonsasha_dragon on April 5th, 2010 07:07 pm (UTC)
Right according to raloria check out the attached posthttp://raloria.livejournal.com/912164.html.

Jensen said the ring had been damaged and cut him, and it was suggested that the bracelet also became a casualty of the Apocalypse, after reading that post it set me thinking about another reason for their loss and this little scribble was born.
cmccmc1964 on April 4th, 2010 09:28 am (UTC)
Fantasic, awesome fic *sniffle*! Great done! THX for sharing!
sasha_dragonsasha_dragon on April 5th, 2010 07:08 pm (UTC)
Thank you, if this keeps you I'm going to have to start handing out tissues here, happy you enjoyed it.
spooky2_alex: 10spooky2_alex on April 4th, 2010 10:32 am (UTC)
I liked it soooo much!!
sasha_dragonsasha_dragon on April 5th, 2010 07:09 pm (UTC)
Thanks, happy you enjoyed this.
Boodledoodle Cumbernoodle: SPN - Love You Moreu2angel on April 4th, 2010 03:08 pm (UTC)
This is so lovely. I never even noticed they were missing. I hope he does get to wear them again.

“Gen and I ...it’s like we are brother and sister ...we tried ...maybe I’m on the rebound ...I wish we could’ve made it work ...Jensen I need you, I love you.” From your fic to God's ears ;D *crosses fingers and hopes you're right*

Very well done.
sasha_dragonsasha_dragon on April 5th, 2010 07:11 pm (UTC)
I must admit it took me a little while to notice they had gone and then it just became so obvious, I miss them and I do wish we get to see them again. Ahh if only hey?

Thank you.
(Deleted comment)
sasha_dragonsasha_dragon on April 5th, 2010 07:13 pm (UTC)
Thank you, I pleased it rang true.
jimppjimpp on April 5th, 2010 01:51 pm (UTC)
That was perfect. just the right way to end it too.
sasha_dragonsasha_dragon on April 5th, 2010 07:13 pm (UTC)
*Blushes* Thank you for your very kind words.
(Deleted comment)
sasha_dragonsasha_dragon on April 5th, 2010 07:14 pm (UTC)
Thank you! and we can all live in hope right?
gypsy_atavarigypsy_atavari on April 6th, 2010 10:31 am (UTC)
Awwww ... if only, if only!

velvetsun: j2: through the yearsvelvetsun on April 21st, 2010 04:03 pm (UTC)
This was both brutal and beautiful. Loved it. My favorite stories of your revolve around jewelry. I really loved the one that gives the backstory of the bracelet. (name escapes me sorry but it was the one with a D/s theme to it). Both were beautifully written. =)
sasha_dragonsasha_dragon on April 21st, 2010 07:42 pm (UTC)
*Blushes* thank you very much for such a wonderful comment. As for the other story Take Care Of You, I'll let you into a little secret, I'm in the process of writing another part to it. I hope that you will enjoy that one as much as you enjoyed the others.
Jolenejolinarmalkshur on May 18th, 2010 11:41 am (UTC)
Hiii *waves and points up* It's me with the stupid username no-one can pronounce.
I'm friending you now I can put a face to the name :)

Now, this fic, you made me weep at work *wibbles*
It was truly lovely hon, just heartbreaking.

Hope you had a safe journey home from A4 at the weekend, Ellydee and I are gonna book for next year too soon!
sasha_dragonsasha_dragon on May 18th, 2010 12:27 pm (UTC)
*Bounces* Hi there!!

I'm so pleased you friended me, because *hangs head in shame* I forgot to get your LJ name. I'm a bad, bad person, so this has really made my day.

Thank you for such a lovely comment *Blushes* awww shucks it was Di really, this hit while I was sat reconcilling the Purchase Ledger (there something about doing that, the inspiration to fic that job provides).

Made it home safely and I'm still suffering from Con lag!

So you and Ellydee will be braviong the madness again mext year? oh that's brilliant news *hugs*