sasha_dragon (sasha_dragon) wrote,

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Rock, Paper, Scissors.

Title: Rock, Paper, Scissors.
Wordcount: 3800
Summary: When Jensen gets hurt on set there is only one way to settle who is going to tell Jared what happened.
Pairing: J2
Rating: R, for language.
Warnings:  None really except for mentions of a very overprotective Jared, and mental abuse of Jim and Misha, plus the usual Jensen whump.
Disclaimer:  These gorgeous men are not mine, no matter how many bloody crossroads I stand at.  It’s got to the point where I’m greeted with “Oh hell, not you again!” Also this is a work of fiction, as I don’t think Jim and Misha ever deliver Jensen home to Jared except in my dreams. Beta'd by the awesomebigj52 .



There was a tense silence in the SUV as Cliff kept shooting worried glances in the mirror at the scene behind him.  Jim and Misha sat grim faced with Jensen propped up between them. 

“Look, I’m sure that Jared will understand about how Jensen got hurt, won’t he?”  Misha’s usual baritone had risen a couple of octaves.  Jim turned his head to look at Misha’s pale panic-stricken face. 

“Oh yeah, he’ll be all smiles and cuddles when he sees his boy here.” Jim’s eyes swept down Jensen’s lax form, his head was resting on Misha’s shoulder as he snored softly.  It painted quite an adorable picture, if you ignored the fact his left arm was immobilised in a sling and his left wrist was heavily strapped.  Jim winced as Jensen gave a soft moan, shifting to ease the pressure on bruised ribs.   

Jim ran his hand down his face, scratching at his beard; he felt he ought to prepare Misha for the fate that awaited the poor unfortunates who delivered Jensen home in less than pristine condition.  “Look, I know you’re still fairly new to the cast, and have yet to enjoy the full Padalecki goin’ all ‘mama bear over Jensen’ meltdown.  Congratulations, Misha. You’ve arrived, the crew have taken you to their bosom and allowed you the privilege of delivering Jensen home half dead.” 

Misha’s look of dawning horror nearly caused Cliff to crash the car, he caught Jim’s eye and smirked at the other man.  Cliff was treated to the sight of the usually eloquent Misha struggle to form a coherent sentence. 

“Half dead ...but in the E.R they said .... Oh shit, it’s not that bad ... I mean, he hit that wall pretty hard.”  Misha ran out of steam and looked pleadingly at Jim. 

“Ya think? Misha, he nearly dislocated his shoulder, sprained his wrist and his rib cage damn near caved in.”  Jim’s voice rose steadily as he spoke.  The change in volume caused Jensen to open his eyes, they were unfocused and his pupils were blown.  He blinked owlishly at his surroundings, gazing round in confusion.  Then Jensen tried to lift his head off Misha’s shoulder, but judging from the weak effort it was proving to be too much for him.  He muttered something and settled back down, trying to make himself more comfortable.  Without thinking Misha wrapped his arm round Jensen to prevent him from slipping. 

Jim rolled his eyes. Great! All they needed was Jared to find Misha like that and they would be explaining why Castiel had two black eyes and a broken nose and was speaking in a high-pitched squeak.   

“What did he say?”  Misha asked, looking puzzled. Jim shrugged his shoulders, Cliff answered over his shoulder. 

“Just five more minutes, Jay.” Look, I drive these two every day and I’ve gotten pretty good at translating exhausted Jared and Jensen speak.  Drugged Jensen is pretty similar, but really what are you two gonna do when you get him home?” 

“What’s with the ‘you get him home’. Hell, Cliff, you’re driving.”  Jim stated looking for back-up from the larger man. Cliff shook his head. 

“Oh hell no, you two are on your own.  I’m just the driver, remember?  By the way did anyone manage to catch the second unit director after the ambulance pulled away?” 

Jim snorted, “Apparently he suddenly remembered a pressing filming assignment in Bolivia.” 

“What’s in Bolivia that was so important?”  Misha mused out loud. 

“A war between drug cartels. Put it this way, Misha, that director will be much safer with all those damn bullets flying round than him sitting waiting for Jay to catch up with him.” Jim closed his eyes as if in prayer. 

Misha looked at Cliff who nodded his agreement with Jim’s assessment of the situation.  “Oh, come on, what’s the worst thing Jared can do? It’s not like he’ll kill somebody, is it?” 

Jim’s eyes shot open and Cliff cringed as Jim sat forward, glaring at Misha, “Listen idjit, the only person who can slow down Mount Padalecki when he’s gonna erupt is drooling on your shoulder, out cold.  Don’t you remember what happened on set?  Trust me, Jared will find out and he’ll try and hunt the idjit down and I for one will hold Jared’s jacket while he deals with ‘im.” Jim was channelling Bobby faced with Dean at his most self sacrificing as he spoke. 

Misha’s eyes were widening by the second, and Cliff could see sweat beading on his forehead.  He licked his lips and attempted to speak. 

“Misha, not only did he completely disregard all the safety checks but that damn coward skipped out, leaving us to bring Jensen home.  In the absence of that moron who do you think Jared is gonna maim?” Jim was beginning to sound a little shrill with fear. 

Cliff thought it was time to find out exactly what had happened; when the two men had piled into the SUV earlier they had both looked as if they were in shock.  All Jim had said was “Follow that damn ambulance, Cliff. We got trouble.” 

“I’ve seen the aftermath. How did it happen?  Do you two have an exit strategy once we get Jensen home?”  Cliff once again looked at Misha through the rear view mirror. 

Misha took up the story as Jim once again looked as if he was communing with God or Kripke.  “We were filming the big fight scene. The one with Jensen attached to wires and being pulled through that fake window.” 

Cliff nodded; he recalled the boys reading the script and Jared finding the idea of Dean being beaten up by a leprechaun hilarious. That was after Jared had been reassured by Lou, several stunt men and Bob Singer swearing on a stack of Bibles that Jensen would be perfectly safe.  You had to hand it to Ben, his scripts were out there.   

“The director had been shooting extra coverage, and he suddenly realized we were falling behind schedule, and he... well, how can I put this?” Misha seemed to struggle with what to say next. 

“He decided that it would be alright to cut corners.  He got Jensen harnessed up, and instead of waiting for Lou to ensure everything was fine he cranked up the winch and went for it.”  Jim said. He was still sitting with his eyes closed and Misha looked nauseous. 

Cliff could tell both men were replaying what had happened next, “It was horrible, Cliff. When the director called ‘action’, Jensen shot backwards so fast it should’ve only pulled him off his feet through the window.  But they miscalculated and the cable got wrapped round his arm and it jerked him to the left and straight into the wall.”  Misha had gone pale once more as he relived the moment that Jensen had slammed into the wall, slid down it and then lay unmoving. 

Chaos had reigned after that; the set medic had been called and she took one look and called an ambulance.  At the E.R. the doctors had read the riot act, stating how lucky they were Jensen hadn’t broken anything.  After a thorough check-up it was decided Jensen could be released to the tender, loving care of his best friend and roommate.  Jim had nearly collapsed on hearing that one. He could almost see Jared dressed as a nurse, mopping Jensen’s fevered brow. Misha nearly had to carry him out of the ER to the SUV because of how hard he was laughing. 

“Maybe we can calm Jared down by telling him he’ll have to give Jensen a sponge bath, and some gentle massages.”  Misha commented to the car in general.  Jensen moaned slightly and Jim narrowed his eyes at the sleeping man. 

“You sure he’s asleep?”  Jim was scrutinizing Jensen very closely. 

“Come on, Jim. They gave him enough pain killers to get Cas high.”  Misha responded, trying to look at Jensen as well. 

“I hate to interrupt but if you two have any brainwaves on how to escape the wrath of Jared, you better come up with them now because we’re here.”  Cliff slowed to a stop, and waited for what would happen next. 

Jim was looking down at the house as if it were the gateway to Hell, but on the plus side there was no sign of Jared.  “Maybe he’s out with the dogs. Look, let’s get Jensen down to house. Ok?” 

Jim was unfastening his seat belt as he spoke; he got out of the car, keeping a nervous eye on the door in case it opened.  Misha was wrestling with his and Jensen’s seat belts, trying not to jostle his sleeping friend too much.  Once he was free he pushed Jensen upright and got out of the car. 

Misha and Jim looked at one another, “Ok, how do you want to do this?” Misha enquired, trying to figure out how to get Jensen down the drive.  “Maybe we should get Jared to come and carry Jensen down to the house; we all know he’s got a kink for picking him up.” 

Jim rolled his eyes in exasperation, “Misha, for a smart guy, sometimes you can be a dumb ass.  Look, we want to get out of this in one piece so we do not want him up close.  Mind you, if Jared’s got his arms full of Jensen he can’t break our necks.” 

As Jim considered the merits of the plan Jensen was stirring.  Blinking fully awake and looking around dazed, he finally spotted he was home, giving a happy little sigh as he edged toward the open car door. 

Jim and Misha were unaware of Jensen’s slow progress to the door as they were arguing. 

“Jim, are we going to tell Jared what happened?” 

“Misha, something tells me he’s gonna notice the sling and the dopey smile and have an educated guess something ain’t right.” 

“Well, why don’t we take him down the drive, ring the door bell, just leave him on the door step and run?”    

Jim gaped at the suggestion, “Sweet Zombie Jesus, have you taken leave of your senses? What if Jared opens the door before we get clear?” 

“I’m pretty sure he’d catch Jensen and give us a big enough head start to get out of here alive.”  Misha was hopping from foot to foot in terror. 

“No, we ain’t doin’ that. Hell, I’d rather Jared tied my guts in a knot than just abandon Jensen like you really think we could make it up the drive before he caught us?”  Jim added thoughtfully. 

Before Misha could respond they heard a noise behind them.  Jensen had reached the open door and was sliding out of the car.  His feet hit the ground and the momentum carried him forward for a second.  He swayed upright, and then slowly toppled forward.  Misha spun round and in a move worthy of a warrior of the Lord caught Jensen in his arms. 

Staggering under the weight of Jensen’s muscular frame Misha’s knees buckled, “A little help here, please.” Jim stepped forward and helped Misha get Jensen back on his feet.  Jensen smiled at both of them, his eyes closing and resting his head on Misha’s shoulder. 

“Now what?”  Misha was wild eyed as he held Jensen; Jim waved his hand in an ‘I’m thinking’ motion. 

“Ok, one of us has to take one for the team, and explain to Jared what happened; we’ll settle this like men.”  Jim stretched out his hand and closed his fist.  Misha looked bemused. 

“Oh, come on Misha. Rock, Paper Scissors on three. Right?”  Misha managed to free one hand and mirrored Jim’s stance. 

“One, two three...” they shook their fists three times, Jim’s fist remained closed.  Misha held his hand flat. 

“Paper covers rock, hard luck, Jim.”  Misha was beaming as he spoke.  Jim licked his lips. 

“Best of three, Collins. Ready?” 

“Oh, come on Jim. That’s not fair, you lost.”  Misha listed to one side as Jensen leant more of his weight against him.  Jim grimly held out his hand ready to go again. 

While this intense drama was unfolding, something was stirring down at the house.  Jared had been taking a shower; as he was drying himself he heard the familiar sound of Cliff’s SUV.  Jared smiled. Jensen was home much earlier than he expected, with a bit of luck that would mean Jensen wouldn’t be too tired.


Jared bounded downstairs to greet his other half; he noticed the ‘message waiting’ light flashing on the answering machine.  He wasn’t surprised by this; he’d been out with the dogs and then gone down to the gym. His hand hovered over the answering machine, unaware that the message on the machine brought the kind of news that gave him nightmares and caused nervous breakdowns amongst the crew.   

 Jensen had been hurt on set, and was being taken to the hospital. For a split second his hand hovered over the machine then he figured it could wait five minutes until he’d gotten Jensen into the house and had finished stripping his clothes off with his teeth.  Jared turned and opened the door.   

Cliff spotted the movement. He was about to warn the two men when his hand strayed without thought to his phone.  Cliff felt as if an outside force was compelling him to raise the phone and start filming what was going to happen next.  Besides the crew would never forgive him if he didn’t capture the moment for posterity. 

Jared stepped outside, expecting to find Jensen either getting out of the SUV or strolling down the drive. What he didn’t expect was to see Jensen wrapped round Misha with Jim helping to hold him up.   

Jared paused for a second to assess the scene, his eyes narrowed as he spotted the sling and bandage.  Then pure instinct took over. Jensen was hurt! He had to be by his side right the fuck now! 

Cliff was impressed with the speed Jared took in the tableau being played out before him. It was a matter of seconds for the realization that the centre of his universe was hurt and now Jared began to move.  Cliff was put in mind of an avalanche, just a few loose pebbles at the top of the mountain, then becoming an unstoppable force gathering momentum. By the time you heard its approach it was way too late.   

Cliff couldn’t help the slight tremor in his hand. After all, Jared could be like a weapon of mass destruction where Jensen was concerned, the collateral damage could be horrific.  Cliff crouched down, hoping that Jared wouldn’t spot him.  He kept enough presence of mind to continue filming as Jared approached at warp speed towards the two blissfully-unaware men.

 “Ok, Collins. This is the decider, you ready?”  Jim squared his shoulders and put his fist out, ready to go for the final time. 

Misha raised his head to see if he could spot a clue in Jim’s eyes as to whether it would be rock, paper or scissors.  Then Misha he saw the approaching menace of Jared ‘what are you doing with your arm wrapped round my boyfriend’ Padalecki.  Misha was frozen in place, but his body’s automatic survival instincts kicked in. It was trying to pull away from Jensen without dropping him on his face.  Blue eyes widened in terror, and he began to whimper quietly in an attempt to alert Jim to the danger behind him.  But Jim was so engrossed in beating Misha he’d totally missed Jared’s almost silent arrival. 

“Come on, man. We need to get this done before Jared realizes we’re here.”  Jim shook his fist up and down, and with lightning-fast reactions his fingers made the shape of scissors.  Misha, by now, was trying to motion to Jim that their worst fears had come to pass but his hand was shaking badly and the power of speech had deserted him. 

“Goddamn it Collins, there’s only three to choose from. How hard can it be?”  Jim growled in frustration. 

“Personally I’d say that was a rock wouldn’t you, Jim?”  Jared whispered in Jim’s ear. It was then Jim understood why he was standing in shadow.  At first he thought the sun had been covered by cloud, unfortunately it was because of Jared looming up behind him. 

Jim’s eyes met Misha’s. Jim croaked out, “Aww shit, I mean, Jared. We can explain.”  He felt a cold sweat break out on his forehead as his fight or flight instincts kick started.  There was no way in Hell he’d be able to fight off the Sasquatch, and after seeing Misha’s face there was no way he could run and leave the man to his fate, as tempting as it was.  Hell, he’d served and you never left a man behind. 

Jim turned round, coming face-to-throat with Jared. Risking it, he looked up as he stepped back against the car; Jared was standing looking at them, a faint smile on his face.  It was the most unnerving smile Jim had ever seen; and he was just contemplating dropping to his knees and pleading for his and Misha’s lives while clinging to Jared’s legs when a miracle happened. 

Jensen, who’d been leaning against Misha with his eyes closed, decided to open them.  He saw Jared and gave the glowering man the most beautiful smile of greeting, “Jay, what did I ever do to upset ‘em?”  The words were somewhat slurred and slow and Jensen swayed forward a little. 

Jared’s death glare melted away in the face of the other man’s plaintive and confused question.  “Who have you upset, Jen?” came the gentle response. Jensen frowned as if trying to remember what he was saying.   

Then his face brightened as the answer came to him “Walls! I don’t know what me or Dean ever did to them but they keep attacking of ‘em leaped out on me again today...look.”  Jensen nodded his head down to his left arm, but the sudden movement caused him to list dangerously to the left, dragging Misha off balance. 

Jared quickly stepped forward to keep both men upright, the moment Jared was close enough Jensen let go of Misha and wrapped his uninjured right arm tightly round Jared’s neck, nuzzling against his chest. “ ‘Mm, tired, Jay and Misha promised me you’d give me a sponge bath.”   

Misha and Jim stopped breathing when Jensen said that they tried to press themselves into the metal.  Misha’s eyes slipped closed so he wouldn’t have to see his imminent demise hurtling towards him. 

Jared chuckled softly and Misha risked opening one eye. Jim held his breath as Jensen tilted his face up to look at Jared. Jim couldn’t believe it when Jensen’s eyes grew large and he stuck his bottom lip out and pouted at Jared.  Jared’s face lit up in what could only be described as the sappiest smile Jim had ever seen. He watched in amazement as that wordless request prompted Jared to slide his one arm down Jensen’s body, behind his knees and sweep him up into his arms. 

“Ok, one sponge bath. That’s a promise but not today. I think I’d like you to be awake to enjoy it.”  Jensen nodded sleepily against Jared’s shoulder; Jared looked over at the two men cowering against the SUV.  Once again that unnerving smile appeared “We’ll have a nice long chat tomorrow guys, but right now I need to get him to bed.” 

Jim stomped on Misha’s foot before Misha had a chance to get them both killed by opening his mouth. 

“Well, don’t let us keep you, Jay and see you in the morning, and I’m sure Jensen will be fine by then.”  Jim flinched as Misha spoke. Jared took a step forward, but stilled when Jensen squirmed in his arms.  He looked down at him and with a final glare he turned round and walked down the drive. 

As Jared walked away Misha and Jim sagged in relief, “Thanks for your help, Cliff.”  Jim said dryly, looking back at the larger man as he stood up. 

Cliff smiled as he put his phone away; the crew would love this “Hey man, like I said, I’m only the driver.  Cliff flashed an unrepentant grin at the relieved men. 

The three of them watched as Jared continued down the drive, cradling Jensen against his chest. They could see Jared was speaking by the way his head moved.  Then Jensen shifted in Jared’s arms.  He lifted his head and looked over Jared’s shoulder. 

Jensen winked and smiled at the astonished men before resting his head back against Jared just as they disappeared into the house; they watched as Jared kicked the door shut with his foot. 

Misha looked at Jim “Did you see that? I wasn’t imagining that, was I?”  Jim took his cap off and scratched his head.

 “And the Oscar goes to.... I shoulda known he was faking it in the car. He’s played Dean too damn long.”  Jim moved towards the car laughing as he went.  “Come on Misha, we dodged a bullet there. Thank god Jensen’s got a thing about painkillers.”

 Misha still looked puzzled as he got in the SUV beside Jim, “I don’t get it. I was sure he was stoned.”

 Jim grinned, “Oh, I ain’t saying he hadn’t had some painkiller, just not enough to make him that dopey. That’s one smart kid.  I owe him one, we both do. He just saved us from Jared tearing us limb from limb.”

 Misha sat silently for a moment, “What about the director, though? Do you think that he will get away with it?”

 Jim sank down in the seat and covered his face with his cap. Just as he did so he said to Misha.  “Something tells me when that guy crawls out from under his rock Jared’s gonna be waiting. Jensen’s got one hell of a long memory and I’m pretty sure that when he ‘wakes up’ he’ll accidentally let slip what happened.”

 The three men winced at that thought, a pissed-off Jared who was allowed swift vengeance for Jensen was bad enough.  But Jared who had time to mull over the best form of revenge for someone mangling Jensen didn’t bear thinking about.

 “Just promise me, Cliff.  If I’m not there, will ya film it for me? And I hope you got mine and Misha’s best sides.”  With that Jim pulled the cap further over his face and slowly relaxed to the sound of Misha and Cliff’s laughter.










Tags: fic, humor, hurt jensen., j2

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