sasha_dragon (sasha_dragon) wrote,

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Thinking Of You. (1/1), PG-13, Christan Kane/ Jensen, J2.

Title: Thinking Of You.
Word Count: 1250
Summary: While singing his song for an episode of Leverage Chris thinks about the man he lost and why, and the one who he turned to.
Pairing: Chris/Jensen, Jared/Jensen.
Disclaimer:  Sadly none of these gorgeous men are mine, I’ve tried standing at the crossroads, even asking for a three for two deal,  I’m sure I’d take good care of Chris as well, but the demon said the one careful owner on my soul was invalid, so I’m still waiting.
Notes: Here is a spoiler warning, if you have not seen Leverage Season 3 episode 6, you may want to avoid this, as always many thanks go tobigj52  for her Beta work.  Also another banner attempt, so many thanks go toraloria  and provideleverage for the images used.




Of all the songs of mine they could’ve used for the episode, the writers just had to pick this one for Eliot to sing.  Eliot is walking onto the stage and looking out at the audience. I get up on the stool and get ready to give one of the most difficult performances of my life.  They have decided to let me sing the song in full and then edit it for the show later.

Like all my songs, this one evokes strong emotions in me and what prompted me to write it. I play my guitar and start to sing....

We were so damn good, I guess we never stood a chance.....

“Come on, Chris. We’re good together, and you know it.  I’m just tired of slipping back and forth from LA to Vancouver. Please, why won’t you come out?  We’re both pretty established now, attitudes are changing. I don’t want to hide anymore. This writer’s strike has brought home how much I miss being here with you. I don’t want to go back to how things were.”  

Jensen is pleading with me. I’ve tried so many times to explain to him that he’s lucky he’s in a successful show with the kind of fan base that would forgive him just about anything.  I‘ve had a good career but I’m still on the edges of that kind of success and now I’ve just been offered a role in anew show called ‘Leverage’.

“Jen, come on. Who would buy a gay hitter? Look! Let’s just see how this season works out. If it takes, we’ll talk again and don’t forget you’re off filming ‘My Bloody Valentine’ soon.  Trust me, this is not the time to come out.”  

I watched him struggle with what I said and I knew we’d reached a turning point.  He was prepared to risk everything for me. Hell, he had more to lose.  Dean Winchester - everyone’s favourite bad boy and broken hero. Coming out as gay would most probably destroy him.  I told myself after that it was better this way. I didn’t want to be the one that finished his career; he’s far too talented to let it go to waste.

I look into his eyes and they are pleading with me not to let him go, to fight to try and hold onto him, not to let him slip away, and I know I was a coward because I never tried to stop him after I’d broken his heart....

I’m not gonna try to stop you
Don’t mean that I don’t want to.

As I’m singing, I’m thinking about my scene with Alona when she explains how to sing this song.  She asks if Eliot has ever been in love, he replies once.  I know exactly how that feels. I’ve had relationships, hook-ups and friends with benefits.  But Jensen - that was love. We’d been together for two years and I’d never been happier.  Just the sound of his voice could lift my spirits, but all that time I was just waiting for the shoe to drop. I knew that Jensen was the kind of man that once he gave his heart, he gave it his all.  And skulking in the shadows wasn’t his kind of thing. All he wanted was to be honest with the world and show it the man he loved. 

After I’d gone I left other people to pick up the pieces - friends, family and Jared.  When people talk about those two it’s as if they are two halves of the one person, they are so entwined.  But before that there was me and Jensen, and I messed up.  I could’ve been more patient and explained that I loved him and that he needed to just think about it. We’re both ‘action heroes;’ it doesn’t go with the image.  I just couldn’t do it, so I ran as far and as fast as I could...

But a million miles between us
But you still feel me like I’m right there at your side.

I heard all about the aftermath of what I’d done; in the end I heard it from Jensen.  He told me himself that he’d sit in his trailer learning lines and sometimes just break down and cry without reason.  When that happened he always said it was because I was thinking of him.  

I’m surprised we can even talk, let alone be friends, but that’s just who he is. He told me he missed me and asked if we could still be friends. I shocked myself when I found out how easily we slipped back into a familiar rhythm.

  I don’t think Jensen will be all that surprised when he hears this song. He always told me that I found it easier to pour my heart out in my music than just to talk to him.

When you find your way to another town
And someone tries to lay it down

I think of Jared. I have to admire the guy; he stood by for the better part of a year.  If the roles had been reversed I don’t think I could’ve been that patient. He’d been waiting for Jensen for a long time. Hell, probably from the day they met, but he stood by and offered him nothing more than friendship.  Eventually it was Jensen who moved toward Jared, and Jared didn’t back away. I don’t blame him.

I’m lucky that I still get to see them both, we’re damn good friends.  I watch the two of them together and occasionally Jared looks at Jensen as if he can’t believe how damn lucky he is.  I know that look, ‘cause I’m pretty sure I wore it on my face more than once when I was with Jensen.

 I know that Jared is always a little wary of me. He is scared that one day I’ll click my fingers and spirit Jensen away from him.  It’s possible, I suppose. There is always someone who left you behind or you left them behind, that you can never quite shake.  And God knows I want to click my fingers, but I won’t do that. I won’t make Jared and Jensen pay for the mistake I made in letting go of Jensen.

The strange thing is that Jensen has learned from my mistake. He and Jared aren’t exactly ‘out’. They lead the press and fans in a merry dance, so that they are never entirely sure what their relationship is.  So he and Jared can be openly affectionate without triggering any alarms.  I just wish I’d been the one who he figured it out, rather than watching from the side lines.

The song comes to an end and there is wild applause from the ‘crowd’ and the director calls ‘cut’. Taking a deep breath, I smile over to Tim and Gina who were on set and Aldis and Beth who watched from behind the camera.  Gina comes over to me and hugs me. “She must have been very special, Chris.”  I smile at her, thinking about ‘my Jenny’ and I wonder what she’d say if she knew.  Knowing Gina, she’d smack me for letting you go. It was my choice, my slip-up and I’ve learned to live with it. Maybe one day I’ll find someone who can take away the ache in my heart but for now...

Then a memory hits you right out of the blue
That’s just me
Thinking of you




Tags: fic, j2
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