sasha_dragon (sasha_dragon) wrote,

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Oh Hell No! (1/1), R, Jared/Jensen.

Title: Oh Hell No. 
Word Count:  9000
Rating: R.
Summary:  Exactly why is Jensen hiding in the closet in the guest room? It’s all to do with the latest Season Five script, courtesy of Sera and Ben. When he said he’d take one for the team....this wasn’t what he had in mind.   
Pairing: Jared/Jensen.
Disclaimer:  Here be fiction, folks. This isn’t real nor is it meant to reflect the relationship between the two men, whose names and faces I’m borrowing.  This is my very own little take on reality or as I like to think of it now, the wrong trouser leg of time, where our universe and this one split apart, and this universe is bathed in a rosy pink hue. 
Warnings: None really except for author insanity, and a promise that neither Jensen nor his Sasquatch were harmed in the writing of this story.
Notes:   First of all my thanks go to my awesome and long-suffering beta, bigj52, a woman with the patience of a saint, and a goddess like skill in her ability to turn my scribbles into English.  Now before any of you brave souls read this, I promise hand on heart (and swear on all I hold dear, including my Supernatural DVDs and photo ops with the boys), this was started before the Season Six finale aired. I started to write this piece of fluff, as a break from my usual beating the crap out of Jensen or Dean angst.   I finally decided to pick this up and finish it.  So if you happen to spot a couple of plot points from later seasons, trust me - my fic came first *G* 
ared opened the front door as Jensen was saying goodbye to Cliff.  Another week, another episode. Season Five was going well, angst on high alert mixed with more than a smattering of humour. They had just finished Episode Eleven, and swore he would never be able to watch ‘One Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest’ ever again without hearing Jensen’s cry of “Pudding” and seeing those scrub pants hitting the floor.  Damn, he’d had a great view of that ass wiggling.
As Jared was saying good evening to the dogs, Jensen walked by, swatting him on the ass, “Jay, I’m gonna grab a shower. Do you want to...?”
“Come up and join you and spend the next hour or so washing your back?”  Jared responded, grinning hopefully.
“Nice thought. No, start going over Sera and Ben’s script. Look, if I’m not down in ten minutes you can go back to Plan A.”  Jensen automatically filled and switched on the coffee pot and then walked back towards Jared, handing him two scripts, then he reached up to absently ruffle Jared’s hair.
“Make it five and then all bets are off, and hey, leave the sideburns of doom alone.”  Jared said as he took his coat off. Jensen’s laughter rang out through the house, making Jared smile.  He let the dogs out and while he waited for them he made himself and Jensen a cup of coffee.  He knew Jensen wouldn’t be long. This was a new script for a few future episodes, so it was still rough and this was just to get them familiar with it.
It was sad to admit but they both looked forward to getting new scripts even now, and the idea of Sera and Ben collaborating on a script had led to some interesting suggestions.  Jared’s favourite had come from Jensen.  It had included Sam gazing wistfully out of a motel room window, weeping softly over Dean, after he’d been kidnapped by a group of murderous stuffed toys. Then he’d been brought to life by Becky armed with a wishing coin. All while he clutched a ransom note, demanding he deliver himself to her, shirtless with his manly chest oiled.
He tucked the scripts under his arm, picked up the coffees and walked into the lounge.  Jared sat on the couch, putting his feet on the coffee table. He slid down so he was slouching and decided to start reading through. He was about to take a sip of his coffee when something in the script caught his eye.
Jared sat up straighter, putting his feet on the floor, the coffee forgotten. He moved forward until he was perched on the couch, ready to spring into action.  His jaw dropped open as he read, “Oh dear God... they haven’t... oh, they can’t...OH HELL, NO!”  Jared had been getting progressively louder, until the last phrase came out in a shout.
As he sat in shock he became aware of the sound of someone coming downstairs at speed.  Jensen shot down the stairs, clearing the last three without touching them, running into the lounge. Misjudging the distance he hit the door frame, bounced off it, causing a vase on a table nearby to topple off the table which Jensen caught one handed and brandished like a club.
“What??? For fuck’s sake, are you alright, Jared?”  Jensen was scanning the room wild eyed, ready to defend Jared’s honour if needs be. 
“The way you screamed, I fully expected to come in here and find you pinned to the dining table, naked, covered in whipped cream and surrounded by ninja fan girls.” 
At that suggestion Jared took a quick look around, suddenly nervous, “You don’t think they found out where we live, do you?” He squeaked at Jensen.
“No, don’t panic. Cliff found the last GPS tracker they attached to the car, and he regularly changes routes home so he’s not followed.  Anyhow, what the hell was the scream for??”
Before Jared could answer he finally took in Jensen’s appearance.  He was stood, wearing his sweat pants, hanging low enough for Jared to see he wasn’t wearing underwear. He was barefoot, and his T-shirt was only half on. One arm was through the arm of the shirt and the other which was holding the vase wasn’t.  This meant the T-shirt looked as if it was trying to strangle Jensen.   Jared could still see water dripping down Jensen’s chest as he stood there panting from his adrenaline fuelled sprint at hearing his manly yell.  As far as Jared was concerned it hadn’t been a scream, no matter what Jensen said it sounded like.
Jensen’s hair was still wet from the shower and was sticking up comically. When Jensen decided that the house wasn’t being invaded by the advance guard of stealth fan girls he put the vase down.  He was aware of being watched, no, very carefully scrutinized, “You know that is going to leave a mark in the morning. I’ll get the witch hazel and some ice.”  Jared made to stand up.
“Oh no, you’re staying right there, until you tell me what’s going on.”  Jensen finally acknowledged the way he’d bounced off the door frame.  Jared was right - he was going to have a lovely bruise on his arm. He sighed and pulled his T-shirt on properly so he didn’t throttle himself.  He looked over to where Jared hovered, somewhere between sitting and standing.  He leant against the door frame watching him.
“You know one day you’re gonna have to tell me if this is some sort of kink you got.  I mean, it’s bad enough half the Dean girls nearly combust every time he gets covered in bruises.  But when your boyfriend starts positively drooling at the thought of applying ice and witch hazel... should I be worried?  Are you gonna pay Gina to leave the bruises on the next time Dean gets whumped.... hang on, Folsom Prison Blues. That black eye - are you sure Gina just forgot to take that off?”  Jensen narrowed his eyes as Jared went bright red with guilt.
A smirk slowly appeared as did a mischievous glint in his green eyes; Jensen knew he could have fun with this, “So are we talking doctors and nurses here? Or just doctors and handsome, heroic strangers who are covered in attractive but not serious injuries you can tend?” Jared opened and closed his mouth several times in an attempt to speak.  “I know. How about I sneak out in make-up and you can ‘take care of me’ once we get back home?” Jensen waggled his eye brows as he spoke.
Suddenly Jared passed the script over, a smirk gracing his features, “Well if that’s the case, I recommend Page Ten then.”  Jared stood back watching as Jensen read, relieved that the script would distract Jensen from this particular conversation, especially in light of the times he had bribed Gina to leave the bruises on.  Could he help it if Jensen looked hotter than hell beat up? Well, he liked the make-up kind of bruises but any appearance of the real things usually caused Jared to have a meltdown, and threaten stunt men with long and painful deaths if they did it again.
Jared realized it had gone very quiet by the door; he looked over to where Jensen was standing. In fact, Jensen looked unsteady on his feet. He was just about to move closer when...
“What the hell is this? I know Sera said it was time to give the fan girls a treat. I just thought she meant you getting your shirt off again. I was looking forward to watching you in the gym.”  Jensen staggered over to the couch. The two men sat down in unison, Jared reaching over to pick up the other script, staring in horror at its contents.
“Dude, what the Hell?  And what’s with the hanging from the ceiling in chains?”  Jensen was dumbstruck, and then Jared reached over and turned the page of the script and pointed to halfway down, “A whip? Aww, come on! Do they know what that’s going to do to the fan girls?”  Once more silence descended as they both continued to read the script.
From Jensen’s right came a moan, “Look, just skip over Page Eighteen that’s all I ask. Please don’t read that yet.  I haven’t had a beer. In fact how about a drink? A really large drink.”  Jared got up off the couch and headed towards the fridge. He’d just got two beers when he heard.
“Boxers! Down to my goddamn boxers! They’ve got me hanging there, nearly naked, in only my boxers.  Jared, have you read this?  And why is it the Sam girls get the seductive half-naked love scenes and the Dean girls get the beat to hell, blood-covered torture scenes?”
Jared wandered back carrying the beers, “Because they know our fan girls so well?”  Jared took a long drink as Jensen continued to read.
“They certainly do.  Which, as much as I love them, really, really scares the crap outta me” Jensen was reading ahead when he spotted something that nearly made him laugh out loud. He took the offered beer and sat back, looking up at the ceiling.
“I bet you’re feeling really pleased with the fact that Sam’s keeping all his clothes on, aren’t you?  Me taking one for the team like this.”  Jensen sat upright with a look of horror on his face, “Oh God, you don’t think they’ll make me wax my legs again, like for Season Four, do you?”
 Jared nearly choked at the thought of that. It had taken some serious massage and cuddling to get Jensen over the trauma of that, (that reminded him, he still had those red shorts somewhere, after he errr borrowed them from what? Jensen had looked hot as Coach Roth.....sue him) not that Jared had minded in the least.  Hell, any excuse to cuddle Jensen was always welcome...well, almost any excuse, just not waxing his legs again.  But if he had to he could improvise ear plugs, so he didn’t have to hear the blood-curdling screams from make-up again.
Jensen smirked as Jared sat and read the script direction to his horrified other half.... “Sam rushes into the murky gloom, his eyes brimming with unshed tears as he sees Dean’s broken body hanging limp within his bonds.  With one swift movement he is standing beside his brother, tenderly caressing his face softly whispering “Dean” over and over again.  Without hesitation Sam tears open his button-down, stripping it off ready to wrap Dean’s battered body in it.”  Jensen paused, lifting his eyes to look at Jared over the top of the script.
Jared’s face held a horrified fascination as Jensen had read aloud. He’d deliberately slipped into Dean’s gruffer tones, causing Jared to shift a little in his seat.  He knew what that voice did to Jared and he was playing on it without mercy.  Finally Jared managed to speak “Rip my shirt off? Oh dear God, I can just see the advertising for it now.  Well, at least the show will finally get some promotion.”  Jensen raised his hand and continued to read.
Sam prepares to wrap Dean in his shirt when he spots a knife wound in his left shoulder.  Just then Castiel appears besides the two men, and waits in silent contemplation as Sam releases Dean from his chains then, gently passing Dean into Castiel’s strong embrace....”  Without looking up Jensen reached over to pound Jared on the back, as he started choking on a mouthful of beer at the image that was suddenly presented to him.
Jensen continued to read without skipping a beat, “Sam grasps his T-shirt in strong calloused hands, and in one decisive movement tears the shirt down the middle.  Using it as a makeshift bandage on the shoulder wound...” Jensen had to raise his voice to be heard over the gurgling sound Jared was making as he read. “In one fluid motion he drapes Dean in his overshirt to protect his brother from the shame of his near-naked state and to cover the grievous injuries he has suffered at the hands of the demon torturing him. Then gently taking him from the angel’s arms Sam picks Dean up, cradles him to his chest and strides out of the room. As he walks he speaks softly to Dean, offering words of comfort and support as his head rests against Sam’s shoulder.  They are followed by Castiel, his bowed in sorrow at Dean’s suffering.”
Jared finally got his breath back after his coughing fit and wiped the tears from his face. He looked at Jensen appearing to be in shock. “You’re kidding me, right? There is no way that’s in the script.”  Jensen solemnly handed his script to Jared; he read it, then picked up his own script and read the scene in his. 
They sat in silence each wrapped up in their own thoughts. Jensen was watching Jared struggling with some deep internal turmoil, and damn that purple prose had got him at it now.  Shaking his head he spoke.
“Penny for ‘em? You look like the world has just landed on your shoulders.”
Jared met Jensen’s eyes, “Just promise me that nowhere in that script do they have Sam tenderly brushing his lips against Dean’s fevered forehead?”  Jared pleaded desperately.
Jensen grinned at his traumatized other half, “Have you been reading hurt comfort fic again? Hell, I’m too scared to find out. Well, what did you think of the subtle use of homo-erotic subtext in the scene?” Jensen asked wryly
“I don’t know. All I could hear were the millions of fan girls imploding and the internet melting from all the Wincest they’ll write if they ever screen that.” Jared smiled at the thought of legions of fan girls gibbering in darkened rooms.
“Just promise me one thing, Jay. No repeat of what happened last time I took my shirt off.”
“I don’t know what you mean.”  Jared said, trying to look innocent.
“Oh, come on. Remember my love scene with Anna, what you said to Ken.” Jensen quirked his eyebrow at Jared, and tapped his foot impatiently.
“But he was staring at you.”  Jared muttered, blushing slightly.
“He was the camera man; he’s supposed to stare. The guy’s married with three kids, Jay. I dread to think of what you’re gonna be like with me just wearing boxers.”  As he said it he heard a faint growl from beside him, so he casually rolled up the script and smacked Jared over the head with it. “Down. Bad boy.”  Right, then. I think in light of what we’ve just read we need supplies.”  Jensen stood as he spoke.
“What kind of supplies?”  Jared brightened up on hearing this; Jensen held out his hand and pulled Jared to his feet.
“Get your mind out of the gutter, Padalecki. I’m talking food and drink here.  I think we’re gonna need them to get through the rest of this script.”  Jensen started towards the kitchen, pulling Jared behind him, still holding his hand.
“Jen, I ain’t hungry.”  Jared said, sighing.
Jensen stopped suddenly, causing Jared to crash into him. He spun and Jared found himself in Jensen’s arms.  Jensen then proceeded to dip him backwards, staring into Jared’s hazel eyes with a burning intensity, his lips nearly brushing Jared’s.  He whispered, “Jay, how long?” his eyes gleaming with unshed tears.
“How long what?” responded Jared, puzzled and shocked at where he found himself.
“How long did the doctors give you?  How could you, Jared? You should’ve told me.  I’m too young to be alone. I won’t be able to live without you.”
Jared was going cross eyed trying to focus on Jensen’s grief-stricken face, “What the hell do you mean, leave you alone?” His voice rose in pitch.
“Jay, don’t lie to me. I know you’re dying. You have to be. You never turn down food.”  Jensen was trying not to laugh as he fluttered his eyelashes at Jared.
Jared laughed, “Get me up, Ackles. You’ll hurt your poor aging back.”  Jensen returned them to a vertical position but not before he took advantage by kissing Jared.  It was a slow and passionate kiss and by the time they broke it, Jared was almost light-headed from lack of air.
Jensen walked away, grinning, “Not bad for an old man, hey whippersnapper!  Come on, supplies.” He called out over his shoulder, laughing.
Jared watched Jensen’s retreating back. Damn, that had been beyond hot, and usually that kind of thing was the other way round.  Jared wondered if he could convince Jensen to do that again someday, preferably in the bedroom, or wherever the mood took him.
He arrived in the kitchen to find Jensen ransacking the place; he grabbed a tray, bowls, bags of chips, some dips and other easy to eat food stuff.  “Jay, we need to break out the emergency bottle of Tequila.”
“Are you sure about that?” queried Jared.
“Dude, we’re not even halfway through and they’ve got both of us undressed, me more than you. Not to mention I’m being passed about like a parcel.  I think this qualifies as an emergency.” Jensen’s voice was muffled as his head was buried in an open cupboard.
“I’ll see if we’ve got any limes.” Jared said in a distracted tone of voice, as Jensen carried the tray back to the lounge.
Jared soon followed, carrying a plate of limes cut into wedges, the bottle of Tequila, and two shot glasses perched on the plate. “Damn, I forgot the salt.” Jared was about to turn round and go back when he saw Jensen waving the salt cellar at him.
“Ok, are we ready then? Let’s begin.”  With that Jared broke the seal on the bottle, poured two shots then licked their hands, sprinkling salt on them. He picked up some lime, licked up the salt, threw back the shots, and then bit the limes.
“Wow! Right then, back to the scripts.”  Jensen gasped out. They read in silence for a little while, pausing only to grab some chips or take another drink.  Jared was starting to feel the script wasn’t all that bad; anything that got Jensen down to his boxers had his vote.
Jensen was starting to relax as well; he was just thinking about telling Jared to forget the scripts and just go up to bed and do some body shots.  He had just taken another drink and was biting on a wedge of lime when something in the script caught his eye.
Jensen choked on the lime, making him gasp for air. He spat the remainder across the room and suddenly Jared found himself with a lap full of Jensen.   Jensen lunged forward and caught Jared’s lips with his own. If the kiss earlier had been slow and sensuous then this was all fire, need and passion. And in Jared’s opinion probably the best way Jensen had ever asked to be taken upstairs, stripped naked, and fucked to within an inch of his life.  Then after he’d had a rest, start all over again. 
Jensen was just sucking and nibbling at Jared’s lips. His own lips parted, allowing Jared to attempt a tonsillectomy with his tongue.  Jensen‘s hands were roaming everywhere under Jared’s shirt, trailing across his abs, his nails gently scratching across Jared’s nipples.  His hands travelled upwards and he tangled his fingers in Jared’s hair, pulling it gently but urgently as he rolled his hips against Jared. The movement caused Jared to moan at the friction as Jensen’s body undulated slowly.
He was just about to throw the script to the floor, grab Jensen and carry him to the nearest flat surface to continue with Jensen’s polite request when his upstairs brain,  as it was turning out the lights and getting ready to leave for the night, whispered maliciously,  ‘And what do you think made Jensen start acting like Alec in heat? Don’t deny it, you’ve watched Dark Angel.  Now think what he was up to.’
Jared’s control was hanging by a thread as Jensen did something that was either illegal, or physically impossible with his tongue.  By now his upstairs brain and downstairs brain had declared war on one another, and the first casualty had been Jared’s libido.  It wasn’t that Jensen had to be coaxed into bed, far from it.  But why the sudden porn star routine at that precise moment, just as Jared had been about to turn the page of the script?
Letting Jensen continue to nibble and lick at his neck while sinuously rocking against him, Jared edged his hand towards where his script had fallen when Jensen had launched himself at him.  As quietly as possible Jared turned the page, picked up the script and very slowly raised his arm above Jensen’s head and proceeded to read it.
Jensen knew the moment Jared had seen the next bombshell. The once relaxed body tensed, he had to admit feeling Jared’s muscle bunch like that felt great.  But it also meant his weekend was about to become very interesting, to put it bluntly.
Jensen’s eyes slipped shut and he sighed, his head dropping forward to rest on Jared’s shoulder, “Come on, Jay, it’s not that bad.”
Jared’s script-free hand which had been lazily stroking up and down his back halted, and cupped Jensen’s ass.  “Not all that bad? How about I read it to you?”  Jared’s voice was pitched low.  Jensen prepared to move off Jared’s lap when a whisper pinned him in place.
“Just stay right there, Jen, this won’t take long.”  Jensen gave in and prepared to meet his fate. 
“According to this direction Sam has just gone to get medical supplies for his poor injured brother, leaving Dean and Castiel alone.  Alone with his former charge, Castiel finds himself drawn to sit at the hunter’s bedside.  Dean is lying on his right side due to his injuries. Sam has left a bowl of water and a washcloth on the floor - he has been bathing Dean’s forehead in an attempt to lower the fever which has started to rage.
Castiel hesitates and then picks up the cloth from the bowl, squeezing the excess water out.  Then with great care he begins to gently wipe Dean’s forehead as he’d seen Sam do earlier.  Dean responds to the touch, a low moan escaping cracked lips, eyelids fluttering, too weak to open his eyes.  Castiel looks down at Dean’s body which is covered in bruises and cuts, and his soulful blue eyes seem to share Dean’s suffering.
Then Castiel moves the chair closer. Leaning in towards Dean, he continues his gentle ministrations and begins to speak softly in Enochian.  Dean has become restless due to fever, calling for “Sammy” but his trembling body stills at the words of the angel.  Finally as Castiel grows quiet, he puts down the cloth and reaches out to lay his hand on Dean’s forehead to feel how hot he is.  Dean leans into that tender touch and whispers one word “Cas?”
Jensen almost whimpered out loud. He hadn’t got as far as that, having frozen at what the Enochian had said, “Look, Jay, it’s just hurt comfort, and you know how some of the fan girls feel about Dean and Cas.”
“Have you read what Cas says to Dean?”  Jared growled.
“Oh yeah. Misha’s gonna dislocate his tongue when he reads that.”  Jensen gave a faint laugh, praying Jared hadn’t seen the translation.
“My heart breaks for you. I wish there was a way I could share your suffering and ease your pain.  My only regret in being cut off from Heaven is I cannot help you, and yet I would walk the same path again to stand shoulder to shoulder with you.  Rest now and I will protect you.”  Jared read the translation in his ‘Castiel’ voice
“Jay, come on, don’t worry. There’s no way the fan girls will ever find out what that says.”  Jensen sat up so he was looking into Jared’s eyes.
“Never find out? Are we talking about the same fan girls who within half an hour of ‘Yellow Fever’ being screened had translated the Japanese Bobby had spoken.  The fan girls who also translate the Latin exorcisms for fun?  Did you know there is a Wikipedia site with examples?  I give ‘em two days max before they have the translation of Cas declaring his undying love for Dean.” Jared growled softly.
“I know, Jay, but it’s not exactly a love scene, is it? And Cas never says ‘I love you’.”  Jensen squeaked as he saw ‘the look’ in Jared’s eyes.  The last time he’d seen that was after his scene with Julie. If Jared had one fault it was his response to anyone getting up close and personal with him.  It was as if anyone else showing physical affection towards him caused Jared to redouble his own efforts in that department.  After the scene with Julie, Jensen had at first been flattered by, and then flattened by all the attention Jared had given him.  Jensen had been hoping to stop Jared reading that, so he would get at least had one good night’s sleep over the weekend, and give him time to build up a store of ice packs for the aftermath.  Jensen tried one more time to defuse Jared.
“Misha is fully clothed, dude, and he only touches my forehead.”  Jensen could see the tell-tale signs of Jared getting ready to prove there was no one else but him. His eyes were darkening, he licked his lips and his breathing was getting a little faster.
“Did you not spot that Cas takes off his trench coat?  For him that’s the same as him stripping and what about ‘Castiel’s hand hovers over Dean’s, unsure whether his comforting touch would be welcomed in the hunter’s hour of need?’ ” Jared leant forward at that, pulling Jensen closer to him. Slowly a predatory grin slid over his face, and Jensen whimpered.
Jared stared into Jensen’s green eyes and growled at his apprehensive boyfriend.  “How about a little rehearsal of the shirt ripping?”  Before Jensen had chance to respond, Jared gripped the collar of his T-shirt with both hands. Then with one brutal movement the thin material gave and Jensen found his shirt being ripped off him.  Jared gave another feral grin, running his hands down Jensen’s back, causing the other man to shiver at the touch. Jared shuffled to the edge of the seat, and then he gripped Jensen’s thighs.
“Why don’t we go upstairs and I’ll see if I can soothe your fevered brow?”  Jared stood as he spoke, holding Jensen with ease. Jensen quickly wrapped his legs round Jared’s waist and his arms round his neck. He was clinging to Jared like a koala that has just discovered someone is taking a chainsaw to the tree it’s sitting in.  Jared laughed and walked towards the door, Jensen resting his head against Jared’s shoulder as they went.  He wondered who he should contact to come and help get his exhausted body back on set after Jared had finished with him.
Jensen was just getting comfortable in the dark, warm closet; he’d sent Jared out for a run with the dogs.  It was Sunday mid-morning, and this was the first time Jensen had managed to get out of the bedroom since Friday night.  He leant back against the wall feeling a little guilty about hiding from Jared, but shit, he needed the rest.  Friday night and all of Saturday had seen Jared demonstrating just how much he loved him, and now he was sitting lopsided and aching in places he never knew he had.  Every time he’d tried to escape the bedroom, Jared had just seen it as time to start again.  Although his showers with Jared had been very nice, he hadn’t realized Jared could hold his breath that long.  But now he just wanted a few hours of uninterrupted sleep. 
To that end he had convinced Jared to go out and get some fresh air. Once he was sure Jared had gone, Jensen had gotten out of bed and staggered to his clothes.  Once dressed, he’d limped downstairs, pinned a note to the fridge door, saying, “Gone out, won’t be long.”  He grabbed his phone and returned upstairs before his legs gave out on him.  He’d then hidden in the walk-in closet in the guest room, knowing Jared never went in there.  It was Jensen’s version of Bobby’s panic room, minus the demon proofing.  It was stocked with pillows, sleeping bag and a blanket in case of emergencies like this.  He rolled the sleeping bag out and eased himself onto it gingerly, getting comfortable.
From downstairs he heard the sound of Jared’s return; he pictured Jared going to the fridge, seeing the note.... his phone vibrated. “Hi, Jay, what’s up?”  Jensen tried to keep his voice light.
“Jen, where are you? Your voice sounds strange?” Jared sounded worried
“I err... I’m just down at the mall. Do you want something? Some gummy worms perhaps?”  Jensen was hoping the offer of candy would throw Jared off the scent.
“Ohh yeah, and can you get some fizzy coke bottles as well, please?”  Jared sounded as if he was bouncing on the spot.
“No problem. Look, I won’t be long. What are you going to do?”  Jensen was lying down, pulling the blanket over him, and getting comfortable on the pillows.
“I think I’ll go down to the gym.” Jared responded.
“Jesus, Jay, haven’t you had enough exercise this weekend?”  Jensen all but groaned.
Jensen heard the grin in Jared’s voice, “Well, I’ve had one hell of a cardio-vascular workout, but I want to get some stretches done. Gotta stay flexible.  Then I might have another read of the script, to see what they do next.  The way things are going, they’ll be getting Sam to give Dean a sponge bath while singing Metallica to keep him calm.”  Jared laughed and although Jensen cursed for not hiding the damn things, he joined in.
“Jay, I’ll see ya soon. Don’t work too hard.”  Jensen was stifling a yawn.
“Oh, hell no, I have plans for you later. Bye, Jen.”  Jared hung up, and Jensen thought about sneaking downstairs and locking him in the gym, instead he let sleep pull him under.
Jensen had barely closed his eyes; at least that’s what it felt like when his phone woke him.  He squinted at the display - it was Sera.  He sat up quickly, winced at the movement, and lay back down putting the phone on speaker.  “Hi Sera, what’s up? Don’t tell me the powers that be have turned down Eric’s request for a flock of inflatable sheep again.”  Jensen rubbed at his eyes and yawned.
“Well, hi to you too, Jensen and Eric’s given up on the idea of a flock of demonic sheep. Instead he’s moving towards my idea of having multiple Sams in an episode, having Dean desperately trying to catch them all so they can splice Sam back together.  Can you just imagine Jared acting all the different personalities?”  Sera’s voice was breathy as she considered the possibility of more than one Sam in the world.
 Jensen suspected that at least two of the Sams would be shirtless, and possibly one would be a man whore.  Then again the idea had merits. He thought he’d better ask why Sera was calling. Maybe it had something to do with the latest script? Perhaps she was ringing to tell him it was all a hideous mistake, and that sometime soon he’d be able to sit down again without the aid of a bag of frozen peas.
“By the way, Jensen, what did you think of the script?  Of course it’s only a rough draft at the moment. Me and Ben are very happy with it.  I think it pushes Dean and Castiel's relationship to a whole new level.”  Jensen’s jaw dropped when he heard that. A whole new level? That was one way of putting it.  Having Cas grope a semi-conscious Dean was definitely a new level for the hunter and angel’s relationship.  Then he heard Sera laugh, and he was sure he heard Ben giggling maniacally in the background.
As he sat staring at the phone realization struck, “Oh, you’ve gotta be kidding me, right?  Look, Sera, when I said I’d help deal with Jared’s pent-up excess energy, and take one for the team....I meant one, not the past twenty-four hours I’ve just had!  You two owe me big time. I’m talking whole episodes without Dean getting teary eyed, or being bounced off every wall in the place. Do you understand me?”  Jensen was starting to laugh as he spoke.
In the writers’ room in LA, Sera, Ben and a very puzzled Eric sat round the table.  Ben was laughing so hard he was nearly falling off his chair, and Eric was seriously considering calling for the guys with the butterfly nets for his two senior writers.  He leant forward, looked at them, and finally the laughter stopped. “I know I’m going to regret this, but what exactly have you two been up to?  And why does Jensen sound like Dean after Take Seven in Yellow Fever... you know...the scream?”  He looked from Ben to Sera.
Ben smiled at his boss, “Ok. You know how Jared’s been a little more hyper than usual....?”  Ben asked and Eric nodded.
Eric remembered the phone call from Bob Singer where his friend at the end of his considerable tether had threatened to tie Jared up, load him into his truck and then drive him out to the middle of nowhere.  Then he was going to take Jared’s phone off him and make him to walk back to the studio, if in his words “the sasquatch doesn’t calm the hell down, and stop squishing every crew member he can lay his hands on.  I have one PA who hides every time he walks by. And I’m getting ready to confiscate his damn candy.” That last comment had led to mass panic, and an emergency meeting in the writers’ room, where Ben and Sera had promised to ‘deal with it’.  At the time Eric had just been glad to dodge a bullet, and he’d been interested to see how those two would deal with the kind of headache he got every day. Now it sounded like the two of them had sent a script bomb to the boys, and now one of his leads sounded like he needed to be in a hospital being treated for exhaustion.
Ben watched Eric’s puzzled face, “Jensen offered to help us with our little problem. He said we could write a little something for him and he’d act it.  This is what we came up with.”  He hit a few keys on his lap top and sent Eric a copy of his and Sera’s script. Eric got the script, looked at the expectant faces and began to speed read.  After a minute his eyebrows shot up so fast they nearly took off, “Holy shit! You sent this to the boys?  Oh, good God...actually do you think we could get a nearly naked Dean past the censors?  Think of the ratings...”  Eric said in a distracted tone and he heard a disgruntled huff from the phone, “Sorry, Jensen, but think of the buzz we’d get on the net with this.  Oh yes, I can understand your concern...but why would that upset Jared?  Ok, we’d have to hire extra security for the camera crew, but I don’t see what the problem is?”  Eric was still bemused by Sera and Ben’s grins and why Jensen sounded like a physical wreck.
“Try a couple of pages on, and then tell me what you think.”  Jensen’s tinny voice floated up from the speaker.  Eric felt a sense of doom building then he carried on reading. When he reached the section with Dean and Castiel alone in the motel room, he gripped the table and gasped, “Holy Crap! Did we get moved to HBO without anyone telling me? We’ll never get away with that..... How long will it take the fan girls to translate that dialogue? I’m sure we could tell the powers that be it’s a prayer, by the time it screens it will be too late.”  Eric was looking at his lap top as if it was about to explode, then after the initial shock of reading the script he was considering just how he could convince Jensen to do it for real...
Sera was watching Eric and she knew exactly what was going through his head. She held up her hand and started to count her fingers down from five.  As she closed her fist Eric looked up in horror, “You actually sent this to Jared? Do you know what you’ve done?  We’re weeks away from a break. How the hell are we supposed to film an action scene with Dean when he can’t stand up without help? You know how possessive Jay gets.  Did the whole Anna and the back seat of the Impala, then watching Jared having to help Jensen round the set for days afterwards, teach you nothing? At the very least if we film this I suggest Jared isn’t on set. In fact I say we ship Jared to LA and have him handcuffed to the Hollywood sign until we’re done.” Eric paused looked heavenward and wondered if that would be far enough away from the set, for Misha’s....sorry, everyone’s safety.
He thought for a few seconds, shook his head and continued, “No, it wouldn’t work; we’d only get phone calls about an irate Sasquatch dragging the H from the sign behind him up the freeway towards Vancouver..... Jensen, speak to me. Are you alright? And more importantly tell me there aren’t any visible teeth marks.”  Eric sounded panic stricken at the prospect of Jensen having being half Sasquatched to death.
“Your concern is touching, Eric. I promise Jared is always very careful not to leave marks where Gina and Co would have trouble covering them. And I’m fine. By the way, I promise that Dean will be able to kick ass.  Just no kicking down doors or sudden moves for a couple of days. With a pillow in the Impala, I’ll be good to go. By the way, has anyone told Misha what Sera and Ben have done?”  Jensen’s voice held an amused tone.
Silence descended in the room. Sera and Ben had been giggling and Ben had been doing his abominable Snowman impression from Looney Tunes, saying “I’ll pat him and hug him and I’ll call him George...Jensen” in a voice sounding remarkably like Jared’s.  Ben looked at Sera with horror dawning in his eyes.  “Oh shit! Misha doesn’t know. He’ll wander over to Jared to say good morning, and Jay will garrotte him with the belt of his trench coat.  Shit, the Cas girls will be out for blood if that happens.  Eric, what are we gonna do?” There was an edge of terror in the writer’s voice as he spoke.
 Ben was looking wild eyed at his boss...leader.... the poor schmuck who’d have to get between Jared and Misha. Then try to explain to an unhinged, jealous Jared that Misha wouldn’t now be groping Jensen....sorry, looking after a battered Dean, so please don’t castrate him right now. That they’d the episode due to contractual concerns, i.e. the concern that Jared would get homicidally jealous of a co-star, and then the crew would have to dispose of the body. They couldn’t afford to lose two of their already small regular cast, one dead, one in prison.  Jensen may have been good at acting with himself against Green Screen, but even he would have trouble trying to act Sam and Cas’ roles as well.  Hell, they’d have to miniaturise the set to make him look like the incredible puppy. That was before he completely wrecked his vocal chords doing Castiel’s voice
Ben’s panic-filled musings were disturbed by something that was happening on the other end of the phone line to Jensen.
As they’d been talking Jensen hadn’t noticed the sound of footsteps outside the closet, or the door being quietly opened.  He was too busy enjoying the sound of Ben’s meltdown to pay attention. It was only when a large shadow loomed over him, that he realized he was no longer alone.  He looked up and nearly squeaked with terror.
Leaning against the door frame was Jared, with a smile on his face.  It wasn’t the usual sunny smile Jensen was used to, or even the ‘when I get you home I’m stripping your clothes off with my teeth, and tying you to the bed for the weekend’ smile that Jared sometimes gave him.  No, this smile Jensen had only seen on Sam when he was pumped up on demon blood and ready to cause a little mayhem.
Jensen pressed himself against his pillows and whimpered softly, “I can explain, Jay...”  Jensen’s green eyes grew wide with terror, as Jared leant over and gently took his phone from his nerveless grip.
Jared straightened and held the phone, “Hi, guys, how’s it going in LA?” He asked sweetly.
In the writers’ room three people looked at the phone in terror. Sera gripped the edge of the table, and Ben slumped across the table and started to hyperventilate.  Eric remained calm and in control, and sat calculating the cost of medical bills for Jensen once Jared had finished with him.  He looked at his two writers, hoping for help, but after seeing the wistful look in Sera’s eyes, he knew she wished she had green eyes and freckles about now.  And the fact that Ben was gibbering softly to himself, Eric knew he was on his own.
 He sat upright and got ready to plead for the life of the elder Winchester brother or at least Dean’s ability to walk straight. “Hi, Jared, how much of that did you hear? I mean, how are you? Having a nice relaxing weekend?”  Eric’s voice had risen in volume, as he ignored the sniggering from Sera and Ben after they had managed to pull themselves together. He shot them a glare that told them he hadn’t forgot their part in this, and in the near future they were going to be writing whatever the hell he wanted them to write....for a change.
Eric sat tracing the shape of a devil’s trap on the table absently as he spoke to Jared in what he hoped was a casual tone of voice, “So, like I was saying, is everything alright? And about that script Ben and Sera sent.  We’ve decided against running with it, budgetary and time concerns.  It was an interesting idea, but I think we may have to give it a miss this season, perhaps in the future. You and Jensen going to be at work bright and early tomorrow?”  Eric waited as the silence stretched on, hoping that Jared hadn’t heard the conversation, and he wouldn’t have to get on a plane to Vancouver. His mission was to convince Jared not to kill Misha as a pre-emptive strike, just in case they changed their minds and Misha wanted to rehearse the motel room scene with Jensen.
“Oh, don’t worry about that, Eric. I think it would be an awesome episode, and I’m sure Jensen and Misha would knock it out of the park.  All that unresolved sexual tension they’ve got going on between them.  The Cas/Dean girls will go wild, and I can’t wait to see the fan fics from it. But if it’s alright by you, me and Jensen will be in a little late tomorrow.”  Jared’s voice was silky and relaxed, but everyone in the writer’s room heard the underlying dark edge in it.
Eric saw Sera shiver and then reach for her notepad out of the corner of his eye, and begin to scribble frantically. Eric envisaged a forthcoming episode with Sam threatening someone in exactly that tone of voice.....speaking of which he better try and save what was left of Jensen.  Unless they wanted to film a bunch of episodes with just Sam, Cas and Bobby.  He wondered if he could sell the fan girls the idea that Zachariah had snatched Dean and he was being held in heaven’s prison, being tortured to get him to say yes to Michael. That The Three Stooges....sorry, Musketeers were going to bust him out.
“No problem there, Jared, I’m sure we can do that....will you both be nice and relaxed? You know, raring to go, refreshed......fully to walk without help?” The unspoken ‘will we have to get the grips to prop Jensen up when he’s on set?’ hung in the air.  Eric was tapping his pen rapidly on the table, waiting with bated breath to hear what Jared had to say.
Back in Vancouver in the closet, Jared was smirking down at Jensen, who had his blanket gripped tightly in both hands, pulled up to his chin.  He looked warily at Jared, a nervous smile playing on his full lips.  Jared licked his own lips; he had plans for Jensen, “Don’t worry, Eric, Jensen will be fine to film tomorrow.  Just make sure there are no stunts.....and try and avoid too many scenes with Dean sitting in the Impala.  I think I still have some excess energy to burn off, and Jensen has been so helpful already.”  Jared almost purred the words, his smiled broadening as he looked round the closet with a thoughtful expression, before dropping gracefully to his knees in front of Jensen.
In the writer’s room Eric sagged in relief. At least they would still be able to film. True, they would probably have to use Todd, Jensen’s stunt double for any seated scenes, or walking, or any strenuous movement.  But he was sure they could work with that. He shared a relieved smile with Ben and Sera. “Well, don’t use up too much energy, Jared. Don’t forget we’re filming the body swap episode next....”
“Yeah, and I bet Jensen wishes he could swap places with Misha right about now.....”  Ben sniggered and Eric threw his pen at him. It struck him right between the eyes and he toppled off his chair.
Eric reached for the phone but just as he was about to switch off the speaker he was sure he heard Jared’s voice saying “You know, we’ve never done it in this closet before......time to see if we have the room.....” 
Eric quickly disconnected the phone and shuddered, looking at Sera “I think we better call Bob and the guys, and tell them to stock up on cushions and ice packs for Jensen.  We should get them to reschedule the Impala scenes.  We’ll concentrate on Jared with Gary’s family tomorrow. Let Jensen lie down, err I mean, get some rehearsal time.  Oh and Sera next time you and Ben have a bright idea like this, sell it to ‘The Vampire Diaries’. See if you can sabotage their cast instead. There is something in the way Damon and Stefan look at one another that makes me wonder about the two guys playing them.”  Eric ignored the sniggering coming from his chief writers.....”Ok then, back to work. Right, guys..... We’re looking over the latest pitch from Sera.”  Eric stared down at the typed words in front of him.  He heard Ben drag himself back up onto his chair. He looked up to see Ben grinning at him.  Eric sighed and pinched the bridge of his nose between his thumb and forefinger.
He took a breath and looked back at the paper, “So then, Sera, the latest pitch from you concerns a cursed item that removes the clothing of anyone coming into contact with it....oh and look, Sam picks it up....hhhmmmm I can see where you could take this one, I fully endorse it.”  Eric sat back with a satisfied smile as Ben and Sera glanced nervously at one another.
This wasn’t how it was supposed to go.  Eric was meant to go ballistic, throw an epic tantrum and then they would be able to float the musical episode idea past him again.  Sera wanted to see Jared performing ‘Singing in the Rain’, preferably wearing a tight white T-shirt whilst getting rained on.  Ben wanted to see Jensen singing ‘It’s Raining Men’ while fending off a bunch of demon-possessed male strippers, brandishing bottles of baby oil, determined to recruit Dean for their troupe.  Instead Eric was sitting there with a happy expression.
Ben kicked Sera under the table but she continued to stare in horror at Eric. It looked like it was down to him to ask the inevitable question, “Where could we take it, Eric?”  There was a tremor to his voice as he spoke.
Eric beamed at his most beloved writers and prepared to stop them in their tracks; he hadn’t got to be show runner by accident. He knew what they were up to; now it was time to remind them who was boss.  “I think it’s a great idea! Look, the fan girls will love the concept of Sam’s clothes dissolving, but why stop there?  I mean, it could spread, right? Think about it. We could have Dean in nothing but his boots, amulet and a strategically-placed coffee cup....I think one of the Trente ones from Starbucks should keep the censors happy.  Cas could be stood there in nothing but his tie....and as for Bobby, we could have him in the wheelchair in nothing but his baseball cap!  What do you think, guys?”  Eric smirked as Sera and Ben recoiled at the image of a naked Bobby as they spluttered and begged to him to reconsider the demonic flock of sheep.
Meanwhile back in the closet in Vancouver, Jared was slowly crawling up Jensen’s prone body with a predatory gleam in his eye. He gently pulled at the blanket clutched tightly in Jensen’s hands; green eyes looked up at him, wide and slightly frightened.  Jared tugged at the blanket more insistently, and Jensen finally left go of the soft fluffy material.
“Jay, listen. I swear I didn’t know Sera and Ben were going to write that. I thought they’d just have Sam carry Dean out of somewhere. You’re not mad, are you?” He asked nervously and then gave a sigh as Jared covered him with his body.
Jared smiled, and softly placed a finger to Jensen’s lips to stop him talking. Then he rocked slowly against Jensen, making him moan at the friction as Jared’s body pressed against his dick.  Then Jared ground down harder and he could feel Jensen’s own erection pressing into his hip. Jared grinned and stroked Jensen’s cheek gently, before he bent forward and started nibbling on his neck. As he sucked gently on a pulse point, Jensen grabbed his ass and began to writhe, trying to get him to move faster.  Jared just continued his slow movements, knowing they were driving Jensen mad. He let his hand travel down his boyfriend’s body, stopping over his cock, squeezing it gently through his jeans.
Jensen arched up at that and moaned when Jared began to slowly stroke him through the denim he was wearing. Jensen whimpered and his legs parted, allowing Jared to slip between them. Jared took the opportunity to swoop down and kiss Jensen, sucking gently at his bottom lip before slipping his tongue between Jensen’s lips. As they kissed Jared rocked against Jensen faster and harder; he heard a keening sound from the man beneath him.
Jared broke the kiss and started to kiss Jensen’s ear, making him squirm and the motion just made Jared pant down Jensen’s ear.  Finally Jared found his voice,   “Why would I be mad at you after all your noble efforts for the crew this weekend?  It’s truly touching to know just what you have been prepared to sacrifice on their behalf.  Laying your body down like this to prevent me from rapaciously and wantonly squishing them to within an inch of their lives. It gets me right here.”  Jared put his hand on his heart as he spoke, giving Jensen his best earnest ‘Sam’ expression.
Jensen tilted his head back and frowned up at his boyfriend, “Have you been reading Gina’s Harlequin books again? I’ve warned you about that. Just because you look like one of the models on the cover doesn’t mean you’re actually Fabio.”  Jensen smirked as Jared looked wounded at the suggestion.
Jared returned his hand back to Jensen’s body, caressing it gently, exploring the familiar lines and curves. Then he lowered himself until he was looking right into Jensen’s green eyes, smiling when Jensen trembled under his touch.  “No, I meant what I said. After all your hard work for the crew, don’t you think you should get some rest?  After all, we’re filming and Dean’s gonna get his ass kicked again. Eric’s gonna want you fresh and rested, so you can get the snot beat out of you, as usual.”  Jared grinned as Jensen nodded in agreement with him.
Jensen suddenly reached up and tangled his fingers in Jared’s hair and pulled him down for a kiss. It was bruising, passionate and desperate.  Jensen’s tongue flicked in and out of Jared’s mouth and Jensen’s hips rolled, rubbing himself against Jared’s cock, making him see stars and groan.  
The two men pulled apart, breathing hard. Jared recovered first. Panting, he asked, “Well, do you want me to stop?” Jared’s eyes had darkened with lust as he stared down at Jensen who returned the desire filled stare.
Jensen ran his tongue over kiss swollen lips, an encouraging smirk playing over his lips and whispered, “Oh, hell no!”
Tags: fic, j2
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