Ahhh my dear Friends, Romans, Fl*sters, please excuse me butting into your precious Saturday, but my spleen needs to be vented.
Okie-dokie now unless you've been hiding under a rock and boy you're damn lucky if you have been, I'm pretty sure you're all aware of a little book called Fifty Shades of Grey, *heads desk* the bloody thing is driving me up the wall.
Why I hear you ask? (waits for the sound of crickets chirping to die down) My darling bloody mother knows about it, and I made the classic mistake of explaining where it came from. Now all I get is, "Well why don't you do something like that? I mean it's better than wasting your time writing that fan crap you do." I smile sweetly, laugh heartily, nearly dislocate my eyeballs when I roll them.
She thinks that my scribbles if treated right will make us rich beyond our wildest dreams....well that's a bit unfair, but she's now convinced I could be earning the family money, instead of writing drivel that earns bugger all.
Now I'm trying to read the book, and honestly? I'm struggling, because I want to try non safe breath play on bloody Anastasia Steele. So god knows if I'm going to make it to all the hot bondage, they keep twittering on about down at the hairdressers where my mum goes. In fact today they said to her they thought mum had written it! (honestly she has a really smutty sense of humor, and like me can drop to the gutter in a second) oh when they finally go me off the floor laughing, all I managed was "Trust me you never use bloody cable ties." And off I strolled, I look forward to that penny going clank.
Anyhoo the real reason for the rant is this, remember my gen fic that was printed? well today the author's copy arrived. As I sat there hugging it, cackling gleefully mum eyed it with suspicion. "But why can't you make money from that?" She asked puzzled.
Now I know Kripke likes the fans, but I think even he would draw the line at me rocking up at a publisher with only a few name changes, and swearing this is an utterly original work (I mean no one has ever done that before have they?). Again I explained patiently what fan fic is. And this was her response after I said no I don't write like fifty shades, I write other things .......
"Well I don't know why you don't try, look it doesn't matter if they snigger at porn, think of the money and why are you being so snotty about it?"
I repeated I write other things and I got, "Oh that's it keeping secrets from me again, I don't where that came from." And she huffed off.
Now I can just imagine her face when I sit her down and tell her, well actually I do write porn, and there is this little thing called the bracelet verse that might just had a smidgin of bondage in. And oh the two people in love, fucking like bunnies? well there both blokes. I'm telling you my lap top would be smashed with a hammer, and possibly my fingers, and why am I a pervert?
I'm possibly overstating a little here, but no way would she get the gay thing, and I really would have to sit up a three O clock in the morning trying to write. As I know I could never cope with the dark mutterings in the corner.
So the next person who tell me how bloody marvelous fifty sodding shades of gray is..... be warned I've got a stapler and I ain't afraid to use it!